I cut my fingers off

This is how it went:

10:25pm text messaging my roommate from the room next to her

Me: Hi

Me: Cut my fingers off

Me: need helpggf

Me: Hurrry

me: *Sends picture of scissors*

photo (2)

*10-15 minutes pass with no rescue from roommate even though I know she got my text because I can see her typing in the message on my phone because my phone is cool*

Finally she yells out of her door to me

Her: “are you okay”

Me: “moan sadley”

Her: “im not joking, should I take you to the hospital?”

Me: *I prepare for her arrival to my room by crumpling up into a ball hiding my hand and holding the scissors in the other hand*

Her: *Walks in my room to save my life and yells at me to show her my hand*

Her: *cusses me out for faking a injury*

Moral of the story:

 

Sometimes you need to test the emergency skills of the people around you. My roommate is a jerk and I would have bled to death by time she got there. 

 

 

Please don’t steal, take, use, copy, change my posts/blogs. They are forever mine.

Swiffer Guy with One Arm… Racism? Belittling Handicap? Sexism?

So I was just watching the swiffer commercial with the man with one arm, and I started wondering how he lost his arm (I get curious and my mind races too fast). So I googled “why does the swiffer guy have one arm.”

And out of all the posts, websites, and blogs that showed up on the google search, each one started out by stating why he lost his arm followed by long rants about racism, sexism, handicap belittlement…

Seriously? It’s a fucking cleaning commercial with a interracial family. Its no big deal, we all have eyes, we see it.

I’m pretty sure when he said “and I still clean better than her” he meant because she has two arms and he has one. Not because she is a woman and she should be cleaning, cooking, and baring bastard children. I don’t know the guy, but come on!!! carrying on, I also highly doubt he meant “handicap people are less equipped to clean then normal born citizens of the world” or ” a white person cleaning better than a black person is shocking because they were once enslaved as housekeepers.”

Im sorry but when I was watching the commercial I took away none of these things. I saw a sweet family cleaning a house with a box delivered to their door full of cleaning supplies. If anything I think we should be concerned why they just opened a large box sent to them anonymously. It could have been full of anthrax, sharpened spears, or one of those fishes that killed Steve Erwin just waiting to pop out and kill a brother. Maybe there should be controversy because our precious children are watching this commercial and seeing that its okay to open a strange delightfully wrapped package full of toxic chemicals at their door? Hmmm? Riddle me that! RIDDLE ME THAT AMERICA!!!!

 

 

Please don’t steal, take, use, copt, or change my posts/blogs. Thankaaa youuuu.

Small Talk

Im wondering if I’m the only one who doesn’t enjoy small talk.

“how is your day”

“how have you been”

“whats new”

I mean first off who decided it was proper to make small talk? Everybody knows its just for show.

Personally, when I see someone I know I just do a run and hug. Its pretty much exactly how it sounds…I dash up, hug them, and leave. That’s it.

Straight to the point. I mean it really says it all.

And another thing, I can’t stand when people ask me “what have you been up too.” My mind immediately goes blank. So I say your casual “not much.”

Even if my mind didn’t go blank, I hate summarizing my life in a time span of about 30 seconds (after-which people start regretting asking). Honestly, I have so much going on I can’t capture it, and when I don’t have stuff going on its netflix.

Plus talking about accomplishments in such a bland form. It is super boring to me. I would rather be laughing and joking, and if it comes up at some point it comes up.

Especially if you are friends with someone, then they probably already know the important stuff. And if you have not seen someone in a while I would rather be making new memories then talking about bullshit I did when they weren’t around. I’m not looking for glorification, Im just looking for life. To me I will talk about work as I work, and when I play I just want to play. Selling yourself is not becoming. If you are a good worker people will ask for your services, whether you where a T-shirt that promotes it or not.

Basically what Im saying is there are a tone of reasons why small talk makes me uncomfortable. I can’t be the only one?

So lets put a stop to small talk. Everyone grab a friend, hug and release.

Please don’t steal, use, copy, take my posts/blogs/writings. They are mineeeeee.

Its not just cheap trick who has a little cheap in them…

I think we all have a little cheap in us. I can’t be the only one.

If it comes to buying something I desire I want the best model. For instance when I bought my mac I wanted the biggest, fastest hard drive (etc). Just in case I become a gamer, a video editor, or design my own website. Although I have done none of  these to the extent that I would need a $2,000 mac, I still bought it by the slight chance I may become/do one of those things. Yes, I edit video’s now, but nothing brilliant. With all that being said, do not be misconstrued, I am no chump. I never buy all the ridiculous add on’s. Unless its a warranty, from good ole best buy. Why you ask? Because I have done the following to my macbook:

  1. I stepped on it when I was sleepy and looking for water
  2. I was walking with pudding, slipped on water, threw my pudding against the wall, and as I fell to the ground I punched my laptop.
  3. Put my finger through the screen because I pick it up that way.
  4. I balance liquid on the base of the mac.  Then I pray my cat doesn’t jump on the bed and tip it over… because I like to live life like its a giant Russian Roulette gun.

 

But then here comes the cheap in me… If someone tells me to buy something, or forces me too, I become super cheap. My wallet (which I do not own) goes from fat to as empty as the gym on sunday’s. Seriously, I will try every way you can think of to get around it. For instance if I have to buy a study book for class, I will literally google & note enough information that I could publish it. Im that determined to not spend $150 on education; I will research all the material I need online until all hours of the night. “Work smarter not harder” in no way applies when it comes to people forcing me to spend money frivolously. HECK NO!

Side Note: I’m pretty sure I am just mad that our education system is set up to rob us instead of to fulfill us. But that is a whole other Vietnam rant. Don’t get me started. I may be in my mid 20’s but I can go Nam’ on the flip of a switch.

 

ps-Please don’t steal, take, copy, or use my writings/posts/blogs. They are mine. Because I said so.

Grinding my Teeth Because of an Eery Bunny in my Dreams

I grind my teeth at night and have some really odd dreams.

The other day I dreamed about some weird dead bunny creature that was slowly grabbing at another creature that I have never seen before. It was definitely some Nightmare Before Christmas Shyt.

I woke up in a panic, I have no idea why, I guess I assumed the weirdo bunny was going to eat the other creature. Now-a-days I take the liberty of assuming everyone is on bath salts, and everyone wants to eat my face off… One cannot be too careful, am I right?

Anyhow, so I woke my Boyfriend up and told him I had a bad dream. He very sleepily (and obviously tremendously concerned for my well being) asked me what it was about. I answered,  “a evil bunny.” He laughed. Then I flipped out on him.

I mean seriously if Justin Bieber can sing “Your world is my world, and my Fight is your fight, My Breath is your breath” then why the H@#$ isn’t my fight with a eery mutant bunny my boyfriends fight? Am I missing something here?

After feeling very estranged from my boyfriends laughter I fell back asleep. The bunny was gone. All is well.

 

 

 

Please don’t steal, use, take, copy, or grab at my posts & blogs. They are mine. Thankaaaa you!

How I make New Friends

Once I see a new person that I want to befriend; I just grab their arm, look them straight in the eye with a gaze so deep they cannot escape, then I gently reach into their pocket and grasp their cell phone. From there, while still remaining in locked eyes, I enter my phone number into their cellular device. I then call myself. It is entirely necessary that I have their phone number as well, just in case they try to escape our new found, and flourishing, friendship. Like a gentle flower I release their arm. I then slowly leave them, backing up the entire way, so that we may watch each other drift off into the distance. The distance of our new found love.

 

 

 

 

My response to the post:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/prompt-cant-we-be-friends/

Everyone Please don’t steal, take, use, copy, or rudely take over my writings. Thanks.

Don’t judge my grammar and spelling skillzz.

Perhaps I am a Herm?

So listen….I was at work today standing in the bathroom looking at my tongue when I noticed my secret bone friend had appeared again in my throat. Ever since I was a child I could squish my tongue down against the bottom of my mouth and do a wincing face and then see a bone stick up in the back of my throat. No, it’s not my tonsils. I told the Doctor about it once when I was like 15 and he just looked at me like I was stupid. So I hushed up. Anyway’s, so I am at work taking pictures in the bathroom of the back of my throat while trying to use my flashlight APP when I start to go to panic town.

What is this thing, who is he, why is he back? I finally went outside and asked a retired Nurse I work with what it was. She said “it was my patella…”

I mean I’m pretty sure my patella is in my knee…

Then she says back in the day she saw a bunch of babies with patella bones sticking out of their necks and Doctors had hard times removing them. This old lady nurse literally painted the picture of little babies with patella necks for me… Next thing you know she is telling me about adams apples. She was all “arnt they weird” I nodded yes. But in my head I was all “heck yah they are weird, omg what if that bone is my adams apple and I’m really part boy.”

 

*Starts thinking crazily to herself*

READ: I cannot spell and I’m horrible at grammar. So basically all of the english language is a problem for me. Don’t Judge and don’t steal my content.

 

I mean literally what if I was a hermaphrodite birth and my mom didn’t tell me. Next my mind starts to collect data to back up my accusations. So Here is my proof my mom cute my baby penis off:

1)  I have a scar like mark on my pelvic region

2) I have a twin sister; my mom told me that at in the baby x-ray they couldn’t tell what my sister was. They thought she was a he/she. NOW allow me to ask you this, why would my mother tell me this? Perhaps to get me off the scent that in fact I HAD a little baby penis? Another issue, How did mother know that my sister was the he/she and not me? Did her motherly instinct instantly know that the he/she was going to be her first born child? NO she did not!!!! She is up to something….

3) I have a large structured body for a woman

 

Now I have to deal with the reality that I can never be in the Olympics because it would be cheating, I have to tell my boyfriend he is in love with a man woman, and this explains why I have lesbian tendencies such as wearing button up shirts in the dead of summer. Just great.

 

Ps- I got to google, it’s my epiglottis.