I cut my fingers off

This is how it went:

10:25pm text messaging my roommate from the room next to her

Me: Hi

Me: Cut my fingers off

Me: need helpggf

Me: Hurrry

me: *Sends picture of scissors*

photo (2)

*10-15 minutes pass with no rescue from roommate even though I know she got my text because I can see her typing in the message on my phone because my phone is cool*

Finally she yells out of her door to me

Her: “are you okay”

Me: “moan sadley”

Her: “im not joking, should I take you to the hospital?”

Me: *I prepare for her arrival to my room by crumpling up into a ball hiding my hand and holding the scissors in the other hand*

Her: *Walks in my room to save my life and yells at me to show her my hand*

Her: *cusses me out for faking a injury*

Moral of the story:

 

Sometimes you need to test the emergency skills of the people around you. My roommate is a jerk and I would have bled to death by time she got there. 

 

 

Please don’t steal, take, use, copy, change my posts/blogs. They are forever mine.

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How I make New Friends

Once I see a new person that I want to befriend; I just grab their arm, look them straight in the eye with a gaze so deep they cannot escape, then I gently reach into their pocket and grasp their cell phone. From there, while still remaining in locked eyes, I enter my phone number into their cellular device. I then call myself. It is entirely necessary that I have their phone number as well, just in case they try to escape our new found, and flourishing, friendship. Like a gentle flower I release their arm. I then slowly leave them, backing up the entire way, so that we may watch each other drift off into the distance. The distance of our new found love.

 

 

 

 

My response to the post:

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/prompt-cant-we-be-friends/

Everyone Please don’t steal, take, use, copy, or rudely take over my writings. Thanks.

Don’t judge my grammar and spelling skillzz.

Perhaps I am a Herm?

So listen….I was at work today standing in the bathroom looking at my tongue when I noticed my secret bone friend had appeared again in my throat. Ever since I was a child I could squish my tongue down against the bottom of my mouth and do a wincing face and then see a bone stick up in the back of my throat. No, it’s not my tonsils. I told the Doctor about it once when I was like 15 and he just looked at me like I was stupid. So I hushed up. Anyway’s, so I am at work taking pictures in the bathroom of the back of my throat while trying to use my flashlight APP when I start to go to panic town.

What is this thing, who is he, why is he back? I finally went outside and asked a retired Nurse I work with what it was. She said “it was my patella…”

I mean I’m pretty sure my patella is in my knee…

Then she says back in the day she saw a bunch of babies with patella bones sticking out of their necks and Doctors had hard times removing them. This old lady nurse literally painted the picture of little babies with patella necks for me… Next thing you know she is telling me about adams apples. She was all “arnt they weird” I nodded yes. But in my head I was all “heck yah they are weird, omg what if that bone is my adams apple and I’m really part boy.”

 

*Starts thinking crazily to herself*

READ: I cannot spell and I’m horrible at grammar. So basically all of the english language is a problem for me. Don’t Judge and don’t steal my content.

 

I mean literally what if I was a hermaphrodite birth and my mom didn’t tell me. Next my mind starts to collect data to back up my accusations. So Here is my proof my mom cute my baby penis off:

1)  I have a scar like mark on my pelvic region

2) I have a twin sister; my mom told me that at in the baby x-ray they couldn’t tell what my sister was. They thought she was a he/she. NOW allow me to ask you this, why would my mother tell me this? Perhaps to get me off the scent that in fact I HAD a little baby penis? Another issue, How did mother know that my sister was the he/she and not me? Did her motherly instinct instantly know that the he/she was going to be her first born child? NO she did not!!!! She is up to something….

3) I have a large structured body for a woman

 

Now I have to deal with the reality that I can never be in the Olympics because it would be cheating, I have to tell my boyfriend he is in love with a man woman, and this explains why I have lesbian tendencies such as wearing button up shirts in the dead of summer. Just great.

 

Ps- I got to google, it’s my epiglottis.